I am so sorry for disappearing. I got really busy, and writer’s block decided to crash a party at my house, and then I lost my brain somewhere.
It wasn’t fun.
Anyway, I hope everyone had an amazing Easter!! Did you eat a lot of junk food and chocolate?
I hope so.
(if you didn’t, shame on you.)
At long last, here is the short story I promised you all. I had so much fun writing it, because everything you guys wrote was crazy and totally unrelated. So none of this will probably make sense, but that’s okay!
Life doesn’t make sense, so you should be used to it by now.
Here’s the list of everything I had to incorporate:
annoying alarm clock
stick of gum
girl with yellow neon hair
salt water skirt
goldfish trying to escape the tank
Hope I didn’t miss anyone’s idea. I apologize if I did.
Clementine’s Day of Random Events and Scary Sightings
Clementine lifted her nose in the air and sniffed daintily, the breeze ruffling the fur on her curly head. The grass under her paws felt soft and squishy, just the way she liked it. Gazing around at her kingdom of a yard, she squinted just a bit in the bright sunlight.
“I hate this place, I hate this dirt, it’s always covered in fertilizer. Why is that, huh? Tell me that!” a small voice with a New York accent spoke right beneath her.
Clementine blinked her dark eyes and side stepped a bit, her tail waving in delight. “Red, is that you?”
“Yeah, sure it’s me. Who else would it be? Yeah, there’s like a billion red worms out there that just like to walk under stupid poodles for no reason. Of course it’s me, you dummy.”
The poodle grimaced a bit from the sarcastic reply and bent her head down to observe the worm speaking. His red segments glistening in the sun, Red slithered a bit more to stay in her shadow.
“Stop movin’, would ya? I’m trying to stop getting burnt. I swear, the sun is out to get me.”
“Sorry, Red. I’ll stop moving.” Clementine said, freezing obediently in place.
Red only muttered in response to her generous reply and moved through a few more blades of grass into the poodle’s shadow.
After a few minutes of standing patiently in place, Clementine began to move a bit restlessly. “Um, Red?”
Silence answered her.
An exasperated groan sounded from the ground. “Wha’, whadya want?”
“Why can’t you burrow like other worms?”
“I already told ya, I hate dirt. I hate eatin’ dirt. What kinda self-respecting thing would eat dirt? I mean it’s filthy!”
“But you’re a worm…” The poodle’s forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. “Isn’t that what worms do?”
Red scoffed. “I’m not like other worms. I’m not suicidal.”
Silence stretched between them as the sun beat down on Clementine’s curly thatch. “Say, Red?”
“Can I move now?”
Not waiting for an answer from the worm, Clementine bolted away and jumped onto the porch, her small pink tongue lolling out of her mouth. Ignoring the muffled yelling coming from the grass, she bounced to the porch door and squeezed through the small doggy door, sighing in delight as the cold air hit her muzzle.
Wiping her paws daintily on the ‘Poodle Power’ rug, Clementine shuffled through the sleek dining hall, ignoring the forbidden white couches and the fuzzy rugs covering the floors.
“Clemmy, Clemmy, you inside? Alright, pretty girl, come here.”
Clementine ears perked up at the sound of her owner’s voice and trotted over through the open door, aiming for the huge bed in the middle. Disregarding the fact that her paws were still grimy from the yard, the poodle leaped onto the bed and pounced onto the mound of covers and human on the bed.
A draggled head covered in smeared makeup peeked out from the covers. “Hey, pretty. Coming to give mommy a kiss good morning?”
Clementine snorted in response. Morning? It’s one in the afternoon. Lazy humans.
Her owner swung slim legs over the side and tucked her feet into fuzzy new slippers, coughing and clearing her sore throat. Clementine jumped down after her, her nose coming to about the height of her owner’s knees. The bottom of the bathrobe tickled the poodle’s head as her owner pulled it over her pajamas.
“Are you hungry? Yes? No? Come on!” Without waiting to see if Clementine would answer her, the poodle’s owner grabbed her phone from the dresser and tapped around. The poodle waited impatiently as her owner chatted across the line. Finally, as her owner left the room, Clementine dodged her legs and ran for the kitchen.
“Yes, this is Stacy. Uhhuh, yeah I signed up. I’m sure she’ll win. Yup, uhhhh…. okay, no problem. See you soon… yup, bye bye.” With a sigh, her owner walked into the room and slammed her phone onto the kitchen island.
“Well, what do you want this morning, Clemmy? Roast beef, Vegan, peas from last night?”
When will Stacy figure out I can’t respond? Clementine thought despondently as she tried to her utmost to signal to Stacy that yes, roast beef sounds delicious, and vegan peas are something she’s never heard of but she’s willing to try.
“Oh, now calm down, don’t bark at me. You’ll get what you want soon.”
Giving up on her barking, Clementine drooped her ears and plopped her curly butt on the tile floor, her eyes following Stacy eagerly as her owner dished up her favorite dog food. As the hard kibble clattered into the dish, Clementine’s nose twitched, her tongue hanging slightly out of her mouth in anticipation.
“Here you go. Eat up.”
Without waiting politely for her owner to step out of the way, Clementine charged for the food bowl, burying her nose all the way in as she happily chomped her breakfast. Ignoring Stacy, who was talking on the phone again, the poodle focused on her meal, mainly on stuffing her face with organic, gluten free, roast beef flavored, pea kibble.
It took about five minutes for Clementine to finish her meal. When she was done, she sat back on her haunches and licked her gums, smacking her lips at the aftertaste.
“I’m going to take a shower. Be good, and don’t forget, we have to keep you clean for the show tonight.”
A show? A show? What’s a show? Is it food? Will I get food? Can I have more kibble? Clementine ran around her owner in circles, wishing again she could ask Stacy questions. Stacy laughed as she dodged her poodle and Clementine stopped barking when she heard the bathroom door slam.
“Finally. Ugh, she’s such a bore.” A squeaky voice speaks behind her and Clementine jumped around, wagging her tail excitedly.
“Monty! Monty! Monty!”
A small, lop-eared bunny sat gazing at her steadily, his nose twitching and his paws held in front of him daintily. “Don’t injure yourself in your joy, my dear.”
Clementine took a deep breath, trying to calm her trembling tail.
“Monty, why are you here? I thought your owner took you back to Pet Smart…” Clementine trailed off, realizing that she might have said something slightly offensive.
The bunny’s chest had started getting fluffy and puffed out, his beady eyes getting large and bulbous. “Pet Smart?! Pet Smart?! As if Pet Smart was good enough to hold me! As if you would even think that my owner, the Brave Bob, would want to get rid of me! I am the highest of all bunnies, the great Monty of Montgomery, and I will rule all bunnies for eternity!”
During his tirade, Clementine’s ears and tail had started to droop and she rolled her eyes when he finished.
“Yeah, okay. But why are you here?”
Obviously deflated at her nonchalant response to his magnificently squeaky speech, Monty’s head lowered a bit and he responded a bit hesitantly. “Well… the Brave Bob needed to pick up his… wallet. And he had to go somewhere so Stacy decided to let me… stay here a little.” An awkward pause followed.
Quickly Monty spoke up again, obviously not wanting Clementine to get the wrong idea. “Of course, he’s not delaying taking me to Pet Smart, because that’s never going to happen. I’m just here because he couldn’t find a thing called a ‘receipt’? I don’t know what that is, but it sounds important.” His self-confidence restored, Monty lifted his head again.
“Oh. Okay.” Clementine replied.
She licked her chops a bit nervously and then stood up, stretched and started walking away, hoping in the deepest part of her doggy soul that he wouldn’t follow. Her tail drooped a bit as she heard his soft pads following her.
Trying — as any dog politely can — to ignore him, Clementine continued on her stroll through the house as the bunny followed her. Exiting the kitchen and entering the living room, Clementine bounced over a fuzzy rug and made her way to the middle of the big room, the tall ceiling looming above her.
“Clementine! How are you?”
“Shivers! I’m good.” Clementine wagged her tail as a penguin came waddling from the other room.
“Sweet cracked crumpets! What in the name of heavenly carrots is that?!” Monty squealed in a stage-whisper.
The penguin stopped a bit shyly as Clementine glared at the bunny.
“Monty, this is Shivers the Penguin. Shivers, this is Monty the Bunny.”
“No, it’s not Monty the Bunny, it’s Monty of Montgomery. Get your facts straight!” Monty squeaked as loud as he could.
“Oh. Well, hi there. Welcome to Stacy’s Igloo of Space.” Shivers said, his pudgy body waddling over to them. Clementine wagged her tail at him and trotted over to where a large coffee table was placed in the middle of the room. On top of the table was a large, glass tank, filled to the brim with water, and inhabited by a small, insignificant goldfish who was swimming with a lasagna noodle.
“Hi Timmy, how’re you?” Clementine said loudly, staring at the little goldfish who was staring right back.
“He is doing well.” Shivers replied.
“Wow, talk about rude. You just replied for something else. Do you know how condescending that is?” Monty pointed out, hopping over to stand by Shivers.
“Timmy can’t talk, so he communicates telepathically to Shivers, who then tells it to me.” Clementine said happily, her tongue lolling out, oblivious to the fact that she just relayed absurd-sounding information.
Monty stared blankly at her, then at Shivers who was nodding his head. Inching slowly back towards Clementine, Monty swallowed a bit nervously.
“Okay, then. This place just got a bit weirder.”
Ignoring him, Clementine turned back to Timmy, who was giving her all his attention, at the same time grasping the soaked noodle in his tiny flipper.
“Why do you have a noodle?” She asked the goldfish, staring at the slowly disintegrating food in the tank.
Shivers stepped forward obligingly. “He says because it is his tool to escape the tank. He wants to use it to jam the lid and then jump to freedom.”
Clementine happily accepted the plan and nodded her head wisely. “That sounds like a great plan. Good luck!”
Instead of telepathically communicating to Shivers, Timmy nodded his whole body up and down, getting as close to a smile as a fish can.
Meanwhile, Monty was whispering under his breath. “Use a noodle in water? Does that even have any logic behind it? It’s gonna disintegrate in the water and the fish is going to get food poisoning. How does he know he’s not allergic to wheat? Or gluten?” This to Shivers, “Hey, does he know what kind of grain the noodle is made out of?”
Shivers just shrugged, obviously not feeling like replying. Instead, the chubby penguin turned to Clementine, leaving the bunny to mutter to himself.
“Are you going to that dog show tonight? I heard Stacy talking about it on the phone.” The penguin winked both eyes hastily, looking important.
Reminded of what had happened a few minutes beforehand, Clementine started bouncing in place. “I heard my owner talking on the phone about that, but I don’t know what it is. What is it? Do I get food? Are there prizes?”
Shivers cleared his throat noisily. “A show is a contest for dogs that like to walk around.” He abruptly closed his beak and nodded at her.
“Well, I like to walk around!!” She said excitedly.
“Yes, and there are food prizes for whoever walks the best.”
“Oh, I’m good at walking, so I should win!” Clementine paused. “Do you think I walk okay?”
Shivers snorted a bit wetly. “You’re asking a penguin? I have no idea! I think you have to be nicely groomed or something too. So it’s about looking good and walking nice. I’ve heard the prize is a whole bag of organic, gluten free, roast beef flavored, pea kibble.”
Clementine’s little heart fluttered in her chest. So much kibble for the taking! I have to keep clean, then. No rolling in the mud. She self-consciously glanced down at her immaculate curly coat.
“Hey everyone, I don’t like to break into your very interesting conversation, but there’s a red worm that’s knocking on the doggy door.” Monty said, his huge ears perking up.
“Red! I’m so excited, I haven’t seen him since this morning!” Clementine barked, and ran for the back door. Realizing that only Monty was following her, she stopped to ask Shiver to come. Anticipating her question, the penguin raised a paw to stop her from opening her muzzle.
“No, I’m not coming. I have to walk through a hallway, and I hate closed spaces.”
“Closed spaces? What’s wrong with you?” Monty asked, surprised.
“What’s that mean?” Monty scratched his chin quickly, his nose twitching in distaste.
“It kinda means a fear of crowded spaces.” Clementine answered, as her tail wagged impatiently.
“Well, that doesn’t make sense! You’re in a house for crying out loud!”
Shivers just shook his head and turned back to watch his telepathic buddy swim with his lasagna noodle.
“Come on, Monty!” Clementine barked. She didn’t wait for an answer, but bounded through the hallway and through the doggy door, nearly stepping on Red.
“Wha’s the matter with you? It’s rude to come runnin’ where someone might get smushed.” Red complained as he dodged out of the way.
Monty tumbled after her and landed on his head. He kicked his large feet and righted himself, licking his paw to smooth the fuzz between his ears.
“Yeah, and who’s this guy? Whatcha doin’ over here? You gotta have permission from me to come into this yard, mista’.”
“Excuse me? You are talking to Monty of Montgomery, the Great Bunny of Bunnies and the Monty who Might Make Millions and who Conquered the Carrots of-“
“Yeah, we get it. Why’re ya here?” Red cut in.
Monty stopped, his mouth still wide open. He shut it with a snap and gestured to Clementine.
Red sighed and slithered over to Clementine. “So, I heard about the show. Wha’ ya doin’ about it? You gotta keep as clean as a whistle if ya wanna win that bag of kibble.”
“I know, I know! I think I can win, though.” Clementine said, her whole body trembling in excitement.
As she and Red talked, she started bouncing around, her paws hitting every area of the porch. Suddenly, her paw stuck to the concrete and came loose with a shmoooop.
“What was that?” Clementine asked, craning her small head to try to see what she stepped on. Monty hopped forward and leaned in for a look.
“Oh, no. Oh, NO!” He said, raising his paws to his cheeks.
“What, what is it?” Red and Clementine asked simultaneously.
Monty shook his head, reveling in the feeling of carrying bad news. “Oh, it’s so horrible, I don’t know if I can tell you.”
“You start talkin’ or I MAKE ya talk.” Red threatened.
Monty gulped and nodded. “She has a clump of gum stuck in her fur.”
Clementine gasped and started whining, her tail drooping as she hopped around on three paws. “With the gum, I won’t win the show! It’s all based on how you walk and how you look and having a little piece of gum stuck on the bottom of my paw is going to ruin EVERYTHING!”
Red and Monty nodded in agreement.
“Monty, can you take it out?” Clementine asked, extending her paw to him.
Complaining under his breath, the bunny took her paw in his, and tried to pry the sticky gum from her fur.
“Nope, can’t help you.” He said, after a few minutes of groaning dramatically as he strained at the gum.
Clementine looked beseechingly at Red. He slithered backwards a few centimeters. “Don’t ya start lookin’ at me. I don’t have limbs. I’m just a worm.”
Raising her head determinedly, Clementine walked off the porch and to the unhinged gate across the lawn.
“Where are you going?!” Monty yelled.
“I have to find someone to take off the gum! Stacy’s in the shower, and she takes awhile, so I have to find someone before she gets out.”
Clementine nosed at the gate and pushed it open, sniffing at the air, taking in the smells of the city.
“Why does it smell like burnt toast? That’s just gross.” Monty said from behind her.
Clementine turned to look at him.
“Yeah, I’m coming with you. I’m probably going to get dumped off at Pet Smart anyway, so I might as well.” Monty heaved a great sigh and hopped in front of her, leading the way down the sidewalk.
Clementine trotted after him, craning her head to gaze at the buildings and apartments lining the street. No one (conveniently) stopped to see why an unaccompanied, orange poodle and a lop-eared bunny were walking down the sidewalk, so Clementine and Monty continued unmolested.
The birds chirped overhead and the sun shown down brightly. So brightly, in fact, that Clementine and Monty both started to feel extremely hot.
“Let’s get in the shade so we don’t die.” Monty said, stating the obvious. Clementine nodded her curly head and they both dodged the humans walking to and fro on the sidewalk and went into the shade of a street booth. The vender, a blind man who sold hotdogs, moved over to serve a customer, and seizing the chance, Monty and Clementine crawled under the booth.
“This is so much better than walking around in the sun.” Monty panted, clawing at his fur impatiently.
Clementine panted in agreement, her saliva dripping onto the sidewalk. “Do you think it’ll be alright if we take a little break?” She asked, already closing her eyes and tucking every part of her small body under the booth.
Monty yawned in response and sat back on his haunches, lazily playing with the ends of his floppy ears. His eyes slowly closed and they both were soon fast asleep.
It was the screaming that woke Clementine up. It took her a few seconds to realize where she was.
“What’s going on?” Monty squeaked at her as he peered from under the booth. People were running down the street to their right, and when Clementine looked behind her, the vendor was nowhere to be found.
“I don’t know. I just woke up.” She yawned. Crawling out from under the booth, she shook herself and looked around. “Why are all these humans running away?” She asked Monty who had followed her and was now poking around the hotdog bin.
“I don’t know. Whatever it is, it’s probably not good.”
“Well, come on. I still have to find a person to take the gum off my paw.” Clementine said, lifting her paw and feeling at the gum still entangled in her fur. She squinted up at the street, the sun reflecting off of the windows of the buildings in across the street. The swarms of people were fleeing from something, all of them abandoning their cars and running down the streets.
Clementine ignored the screaming and desperate people, and started trotting up the sidewalk again, Monty hopping behind her. On and on they walked, Clementine looking for someone who wasn’t screaming in terror to see if they could help her.
After an hour of walking up sidewalks and passing screeching clumps of people, Monty flopped down and whined under his breath.
“Come on, Monty, let’s just go take a break over in that red truck.” Clementine ran to a large, heavy-duty firetruck and jumped into the passenger seat, ignoring the driver who was frantically trying to open a compartment in the side of the truck.
The fireman never saw an orange poodle jump onto the seat or a white bunny jump onto the gas pedal. All he knew, was that he reached down to tie his shoe lace, and he looked up and his firetruck was gone.
“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Monty yelled as he sat on his haunches, his back pressed against the gas pedal.
“I didn’t do anything!” Clementine barked, her tail waving in excitement as she placed her paws on the wheel to see out the window.
“Whoa! How did you do that?” Monty asked as he was suddenly thrown off balance.
Clementine stared at the circular wheel under her paws and slightly turned it, the firetruck immediately responding.
“Hey! I can turn it!” She barked happily at the people who scrambled to avoid the careening truck being driven by an orange poodle and a lop-eared bunny.
“Look, I think I found why all those humans were running away!” Clementine said to Monty.
Monty just licked his paw and settled deeper against his comfortable gas-pedal-recliner. “Nah, I don’t want to see. I’ll take your word for it.”
Clementine gave a big doggy smile at a huge form that was standing in the middle of the road. A large eye was in its forehead and a primitive robe was wrapped around it’s body.
“I think it’s a cyclops.” Clementine said, yawning a bit as the firetruck began to pick up speed.
“A, what?!” Monty squealed as Clementine turned the firetruck right for the cyclops.
They didn’t know what really happened next, but after it had happened, Monty explained it to Red:
“There was a huge crash and I got thrown up in the air and smashed into a lightbulb, but being Monty of Montgomery, I caught myself and landed on the concrete and rescued Clementine while I was at it. And I saw this huge cyclops thing and it was dead and there was a ton of red liquid, and then all these humans ran up and made a lot of noise and cheered and a weird girl with neon yellow hair and a skirt that dripped with something salty, came up and gave us both hugs!”
Clementine agreed with Monty as they sat on the back porch in front of Red, the sun just beginning to set behind the buildings of New York. She wagged her tail a bit dizzily and nodded. “The girl cut the gum from my coat and then she took this clock from her pocket and told me it was annoying and that she wants an invisible watch for her birthday! And then, this policeman came over and talked to a bunch of creepy humans in black suits who were staring at a big footprint and there was something about Bigfoot… Whatever that means…”
Monty cut in and finished the story, telling Red how Stacy had found them and said that the show was canceled.
“You know,” He said finally, “I don’t mind going to Pet Smart after today. I don’t ever want to be on the streets again. I’m going to have nightmares about cyclops forever.”
A few moments of silence stretched on as they both stopped talking. Red stared at them, slowly shaking his segments.
“Ya know what? I don’t even wanna know. Don’t tell me. You guys are all nuts! You’re cracked in the head. Ya need some therapy, or somethin’. I’m going to sleep, don’t wake me up.” He turned and slithered away into a crack in the house.
Clementine yawned and laid down, panting slightly as she remembered the excitement of the day.
Monty shook his head and hopped through the doggy door. “I’m going to see if Shivers has any bunny food. He’s a penguin, he might understand more than a dog.” With that, Monty turned and disappeared, leaving fuzzy fur on the doggy door’s flap.
Clementine yawned again and curled up, her orange side slowly rising up and down as she fell into a deep, deep sleep.
And that’s a wrap.
I’m laughing just reading over this, it’s so weird and messed up.
Haha, well, hope you guys enjoyed it, tell me what you thought, and I’ll try and get the next part of Mechanical Heart up as soon as possible!
Oh, and if any of you would like to try and write a short story with the list of items, feel free! I would absolutely love to see what you come up with.
I will stalk you until you do.